AS I GET OLDER I REALIZE:
- I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice
- Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud
- I don’t need anger management…I need people to stop pissing me off
- My people skills are just fine…it’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
- The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
- When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment…now it’s like a mini-vacation.
- The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it sure can muffle the sound.
- Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
- “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.” During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Top 10 Reasons to Be an Presbyterian:
10. No snake handling.
9. You can believe in dinosaurs.
8. Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.
7. You don’t have to check your brains at the door.
6. Pew aerobics.
5. Church year is color-coded.
4. Free wine on Sunday.
3. All of the pageantry — none of the guilt.
2. You don’t have to know how to swim to get baptized.
…and the Number One to be an Presbyterian:
1. No matter what you believe, there’s bound to be at least one other Presbyterian who agrees with you.
A Golden Telephone-
A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read “Calls $10,000 a minute.”
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Phoenix , Salt Lake City , Denver , Oklahoma City, and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Florida. Upon entering a Florida church he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read “Calls 35 cents.”
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son, you’re in Florida now.. You’re in God’s Country. It’s a local call……
Church Ladies With Typewriters
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
|The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’||Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.|
|Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.||Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.|
|The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.||For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.|
|Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.||Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.|
|A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.||At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.|
|Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.||Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.|
|Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.||The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.|
|Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.||The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.|
|This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.||The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.|
|Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.|
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE-From JOHN CLEESE
The Scots have raised their threat level from Pissed Off to Lets get the Bastards. They dont have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from Shout Loudly and Excitedly to Elaborate Military Posturing. Two more levels remain: Ineffective Combat Operations and Change Sides.
The Germans have increased their alert state from Disdainful Arrogance to Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. They also have two higher levels: Invade a Neighbour and Lose.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from No worries to Shell be right, Mate. Two more escalation levels remain: Crikey! I think well need to cancel the barbie this weekend! and The barbie is cancelled. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
British writer, actor and tall person